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In a world where professionalism reigns supreme, we must acknowledge an unspoken truth: adults don’t have crushes. No, not even a little. The very concept of getting weak-kneed or tongue-tied around someone after the age of 25 is as absurd as bringing your childhood blanket to the boardroom. Let us delve into the many reasons why this mature, enlightened perspective is the cornerstone of adult decorum.

The Danger of Emotional Chaos

Imagine the scene: a high-powered marketing executive locks eyes with a charming software engineer during a cross-departmental meeting. Sparks fly, hearts flutter. Now, imagine the pandemonium when she accidentally signs an email “Warmest hugs” instead of “Best regards.” Total anarchy. Offices are places of precision and productivity, not hormonal confusion. To allow for anything else would be like giving toddlers access to your Excel spreadsheets.

HR Departments Would Implode

We all know HR policies are designed to keep things professional. If adults started having crushes, the entire HR framework would collapse. Picture the chaos of adding a new policy: “Thou shalt not doodle hearts with a coworker’s initials during quarterly earnings meetings.” It’s simply unfeasible. HR professionals are already overworked, and forcing them to handle a tsunami of awkward love triangles would be cruel.

The Slippery Slope to Casual Fridays

Once adults let crushes into their lives, what’s next? Texting someone about how cute their laugh is during working hours? Wearing a slightly flirtatious tie to the company retreat? Before you know it, everyone’s wearing flip-flops to pitch meetings. Society cannot afford such a steep descent into unprofessionalism.

Dating Apps Have Taken Over

Thanks to technology, finding romance is now a structured activity relegated to apps. Why risk your career on a workplace crush when you can swipe right on someone with a dog, a stable income, and a curated list of hobbies? Crushes are for people without time management skills, and adults, as we all know, thrive on Google Calendars and meal-prepping.

The Real Secret: Coffee Crushes

Of course, some may argue that harmless admiration still exists. Yes, everyone has a “coffee crush” — the barista who hands you your cappuccino with a smile so dazzling it’s practically a public service. But let’s be honest, that’s not a real crush. It’s a caffeine-fueled mirage, acceptable only because it dissipates by the time you’re back at your desk.

The Conclusion

As adults, we’ve evolved past the juvenile flutters of adolescence. We’ve replaced them with LinkedIn endorsements and performance reviews. Crushes are a relic of the past, a distraction from quarterly goals, and a slippery slope to workplace chaos. Let us raise a glass (of sparkling water, naturally) to the death of the adult crush. May we all remain forever professional, unshaken, and definitely not daydreaming about the cute new hire in accounting.