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With the election just days away, you’ve probably already picked a side, but what if you could avoid all those pesky arguments and political rants? Well, take a cue from our friends in the Shire—where the motto is, “Keep your nose out of trouble, and trouble will leave you alone.” Just like a fuhkn Hobbit would, you can master the art of pretending you’re still undecided, ensuring that you’re left in peace until Election Day. Here’s how to do it,

Step 1: Perfect Your Pensive Look

The trick to seeming undecided is looking like you’re really thinking. Next time someone asks who you’re voting for, just look off into the distance like you’re trying to solve a complex math problem, then say, “I’m still weighing my options.” Make sure you sigh a little too—like this decision is weighing heavily on your mind It’s the perfect way to make people think you’re wrestling with a big decision, like whether to leave your cozy Hobbit-hole behind.

Step 2: Use Vague Lines to Keep ‘Em Guessing

To stay in character, you’ll need some go-to lines that sound thoughtful but say absolutely nothing. Here’s a few to try out:

• “It’s tough; both sides have good points.”
• “I’m just trying to keep an open mind.”
• “I just wish they’d focus on what really matters; like salted pork.”
  These lines are perfect for dodging political conversations while sounding like you’re taking it all very seriously, just like a Hobbit pondering the best spot for a second breakfast.

Step 3: Rotate Your Yard Signs

If you want to really mess with your neighbors, grab a few yard signs from the different candidates and switch them out every couple of days. Today, it’s “Harris and Walz” Tomorrow, it’s “Trump and Vance.” Your street will think you’re on a wild political journey, when really you’re just having a little fun. You might even hear some juicy gossip about yourself—like how you’re “the only undecided voter left.”

Step 4: Milk Those Campaign Freebies Like a Hobbit at a Feast

Campaigns love undecided voters. They’ll give you all kinds of free stuff—T-shirts, buttons, maybe even a free meal if you show up at a rally. Take advantage of it! Show up, take the free stuff, and don’t commit to anything. If someone asks who you’re leaning toward, just shrug and say, “Still figuring it out.” Meanwhile, enjoy your free coffee and hat collection.

Step 5: Confuse Your Friends with Random Opinions, Like a Hobbit at a Tavern

Got friends on both sides? Great! This is where being “undecided” really comes in handy. Tell one friend you’re worried about Trumps chin wrinkle, then tell another you’re not sure Kamala farts enough. Everyone will think you’re struggling with a real dilemma, which is exactly what you want. This is when you need to change your facial expressions from confusion and ponder to sheer anger and hatred just like a Hobbit.

Step 6: Pretend You’re Ignoring All the Ads, Like a Hobbit Ignores Adventure

Undecided voters supposedly pay a lot of attention to ads, but not you. You know that political ads by definition are purely propaganda. Whenever an ad comes on TV, just flip the channel and say something like, “Ugh, I just wish they’d stop with all this mudslinging.” Your friends and family will think you’re staying neutral, but really, you’ve already muted every political account on social media. Peace and quiet, at last. Time to load up a fat Old Toby and dip the toes in a jacuzzi, baby.

Step 7: Drop a Third-Party Name Like Gandalf Drops Wisdom

Want to really throw people off the scent? Mention a third-party candidate no one’s heard of, the way Gandalf would mention ancient lore. Say something like, “I don’t know, I’ve been looking into that Libertarian candidate’s ideas on tax policy.” Your friends will be as bewildered as Hobbits hearing tales of the far-off lands beyond Bree. They won’t know if you’re serious or just being thorough, but either way, they’ll stop trying to convince you.

Step 8: Keep It Going All the Way to the Polls, Like Frodo to Mount Doom

Even on Election Day, don’t let your act slip! Tell people you’re going to “decide in the booth” and head to the polling place like Frodo trudging toward Mount Doom. Walk slowly, look thoughtful, and if anyone asks, just say, “It’s going to be a game-time decision.” Meanwhile, your mind is as set as Frodo’s was about getting that ring into the fire.

Step 9: Act Surprised No Matter What, Like a Hobbit at a Big Folk Party

When the results come in, make sure you look as surprised as Bilbo did when the dwarves turned up for dinner. Say things like, “Wow, I didn’t see that coming!” or “It really could have gone either way for me.” Even though you’ve known for ages who you were going to vote for, this keeps the mystery alive—and keeps people from dragging you into arguments about the results.

Final Thoughts: Keep Out of Trouble, Like a True Hobbit

Pretending to be undecided is a lot like being a Hobbit: you stay out of trouble, let others argue and debate, and enjoy the peace and quiet of your own little corner of the world. Plus, it’s kind of fun watching everyone scramble to win you over when you’ve already made up your mind. So go on, give it a try, and remember: like any good Hobbit, sometimes the best thing to do is sit back, have a cup of tea, and let the rest of Middle-earth sort itself out.

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