Asking for a raise is the corporate equivalent of begging a dragon for a sliver of its gold hoard—terrifying, futile, and likely to end with your demise. But fear not, brave serf! With these foolproof steps, you’ll either get that sweet, sweet cash or at least entertain your overlords before they toss you out the castle gates. Now, lets get ready to ask for a raise!
1. Know Your Worth (LOL, Good Luck)
Start by Googling “how much should I make” and squinting at those salary sites until you convince yourself you’re a rare unicorn worth millions. Ignore the fact that your job description is “Chief Diversity Officer” and your biggest skill is not crying in meetings. You’re a market disruptor, baby—demand a number so high it makes Scrooge McDuck blush.
2. Timing Is Everything (Or Nothing)
Pick the perfect moment, like right after you accidentally CC’d the whole company on your “TPS reports suck” rant. Or barge in during the CEO’s Zen time—nothing says “I deserve more” like interfering with the fabrics of time and setting the entire structure of their day off course. It always helps to remember the values you were raised on; “you are the center of the Universe, thus everything revolves around you”. Bonus points if the company just lost a major client; they’ll love your arrogance and respect your bravery.
3. Document Your “Achievements”
Compile a list of your greatest hits: that time you showed up before 10 a.m., the coffee stained countertop you decided to clean that one day, or the client email you answered with only three typos. Print it on neon paper and title it “Why I’m Basically The Entire Company.” If they question your impact, just say, “Numbers don’t lie,” and wave a pie chart you made showing you as the biggest piece.
4. Practice Your Pitch (In the Mirror, Crying)
Rehearse your speech: “Dear Benevolent Taskmaster, I’ve toiled in your digital salt mines for eons, and I think it’s time my measly salary reflects my ability to not quit yet.” Practice your power stance—chin up, chest out, tears barely contained. They’ll be way too confused to say no.. Or they’ll say no. Either way you look at it, you suck. Failure is all you know, and failure is all you’ll ever know. Become friends with failure, figure out what cologne it likes and what it’s favorite restaurant is.
5. Anticipate Pushback (Because Duh)
Your boss will say, “Budget’s tight,” or “You are literally this companies least valuable asset”. Counter with, “I’ve breathed your office air for 18 months, old man!” Leave it at that and stomp your feet as you help yourself out of his office. Negotiation is just emotional blackmail with better lighting.
6. Stay Professional (Or Fake It)
Don’t sob about your rent or that cast-iron campfire cookware set you can’t afford—bosses hate sob stories unless they’re about their own financial woes. Instead, channel your inner LinkedIn influencer: “I am a mighty butterfly”. You can say this out-loud to yourself as if you are in a trance. Do not stop until they’ve given you the raise or they have called security.
7. Follow Up (With Passive Aggression)
If you get the raise, send a company-wide email: “Dreams do come true, just fyi!” If not, leave sticky notes on their desk every week: “Just checking on that raise—still poor!” Either way, you’re a legend in your own mind, and isn’t that the real paycheck?
Final Tip
Confidence is key, but delusion is king when you want to ask for a raise. Walk into that office like you invented jelly filled pastries, not like you’re begging for scraps. You won’t get the raise, but you might have a story to tell to the grandchildren you’ll never have.
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