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LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning display of next-level compassion, a local vegan man has reportedly volunteered his own body as a sanctuary for parasitic worms, citing his deeply held belief that “every organism deserves love, even the ones that eat your intestines.”

34-year-old Sage Leafmoon, who identifies as an “empathic ecosystem,” made headlines after announcing that he had intentionally ingested a cocktail of tapeworms, hookworms, and a rare Amazonian leech, lovingly named “Squiggly,” “Chomper,” and “Chad.”

“I just couldn’t sit back and let them be homeless,” Sage said, sipping a kombucha infused with ethically sourced dirt. “People call them parasites, but I see roommates with boundary issues.”

Medical professionals, who are absolutely thrilled by this decision, report that Leafmoon is experiencing mild symptoms such as chronic fatigue, weight loss, and a growing sense of spiritual superiority.

“He’s basically a walking petri dish with a superiority complex,” said Dr. Linda Graves, who tried to treat Sage but was met with a firm, “No thanks, I’m detoxing through intention.”

The movement is gaining traction among some in LA’s wellness community, who are now offering “parasite doula” services and “intestinal biodiversity retreats.” Gwyneth Paltrow has not yet commented, but sources say she’s “deeply intrigued.”

Asked about his next step, Sage says he’s considering “re-wilding his microbiome” by befriending a mild case of Giardia. “It’s not about me,” he said humbly. “It’s about giving back to the microbial underdogs. We’re all just organisms trying to vibe.”

More on this story as Sage begins negotiations with the tapeworm for rent control.

🪱 Who Needs Space When You Can Be The Space?

In today’s housing crisis, it’s important to remember: every creature deserves a home — even the ribbon-shaped freeloaders of the digestive world. Tapeworms aren’t just gross, they’re grossly misunderstood.

“I didn’t lose 15 pounds because of a parasite — I did it because I care,” says the aforementioned holistic influencer and part-time kombucha bartender, Sage Leafmoon, who lovingly refers to his internal tenant as Chad the Tapeworm.

💊 Medicine Says “Treat It” — We Say “Feed It”

Sure, doctors will hit you with “antiparasitic meds,” “organ damage,” and “brain cysts.” But what they won’t tell you is how rare it is to find a roommate that:

• Doesn’t borrow your clothes
• Doesn’t judge your food choices
• Just wants to quietly absorb B12 in the corner

Win-win, really.

🧘‍♀️ Tapeworm Wellness: A Lifestyle, Not a Diagnosis

Are you really detoxing if you’re not nourishing a 6-foot internal earthworm? Tapeworm hosting is the next level of gut flora empowerment. It’s not a parasitic infestation — it’s an intestinal partnership.

Check out our new classes:

• “Worm & Wine: A Gut-Centered Happy Hour”
• “Rent-Free, Stress-Free: Tapeworm Meditation for Hosts”
• “Microbiome Mates: Bonding with Your Internal Zoo”

☠️ The Slightly Icky Details (Ignore These!)

Okay, okay, so untreated tapeworms can lead to:

• Malnutrition
• B12 deficiency
• Abdominal distress
• Seizures, if it gets to your brain (but hey, who doesn’t love a little drama?)

But what’s life without a few risks? Chad wouldn’t want you to worry.

🧠 Hosting Is a Mindset

Let’s reframe this. Instead of saying, “I have a parasite,” try saying:

“I’m supporting alternative lifeforms with my body.”

It’s the ultimate form of generosity. You’re not just a person — you’re an Airbnb for ambitious flatworms. ✨

🔚 Final Thoughts

Sure, the CDC doesn’t recommend this. And sure, most people prefer to live worm-free. But hosting a tapeworm isn’t for the faint of heart — it’s for the bold. The generous. The deeply hydrated.

So next time someone calls you “infested,” just smile and say,
“No, I’m inclusive.”

Want a T-shirt that says “My Tapeworm Is My Therapist”? We’ve got merch.

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