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Ah yes, the Earth is shifting again. Tectonic plates are on the move like divorced parents fighting over who gets the couch, volcanoes are doing interpretive dance, and the magnetic poles are playing a fun game of hide and seek. Naturally, you’re wondering where to move during this totally casual and not-at-all terrifying planetary transformation. Don’t worry — we’ve compiled a completely useless yet deeply sarcastic guide to help you choose your new home in this, the glorious end-of-days real estate boom.

Florida is an obvious choice if you’ve ever wanted to swim to work daily. Sure, the sea level is rising and most of Florida will soon be an underwater theme park, but imagine the daily thrill of kayaking to Starbucks for your iced latte! Bonus: alligators now deliver DoorDash. Just remember to tip — they bite.

Then there’s Antarctica, the new Ibiza. It’s thawing faster than your ex’s cold heart, and real estate prices haven’t caught up yet. Grab a glacier-side condo before Bezos turns it into an exclusive yacht harbor. Warning: sunscreen may spontaneously combust upon application.

You might also consider the middle of the Sahara. Laugh now, but once climate change finishes rotating the Earth like a rotisserie chicken, you’ll be sipping frozen margaritas on Saharan shores. Just make it through the next 60 years of unlivable dryness and fire tornadoes.

Feeling brave? Move directly atop the Yellowstone Caldera. Living above a supervolcano is like owning beachfront property—if the beach was made of lava and existential dread. But hey, the geothermal heating is fantastic, and you’ll be the first to experience Earth’s newest sky launch program.

For the DIY enthusiast, there’s always a floating city made from old shipping containers. Urban design meets global panic. Build your own community on the rising oceans—solar-powered, Wi-Fi enabled, and just structurally unstable enough to keep life interesting. Bonus points if you repurpose Amazon boxes and call it “Seaattle.”

Or how about Mars? Elon says it’s habitable, and if there’s one thing we trust more than billionaires, it’s billionaires launching us into space on rockets named after memes. Side effects may include death, isolation, and growing potatoes with your own poop. But hey—no HOA!

Still not sold? Try the Moon, because Earth is just a phase. Technically still part of Earth’s gravitationally abusive relationship, but emotionally distant enough to feel like a fresh start. No oxygen? No problem. You weren’t using your lungs responsibly anyway.

Lastly, there’s that one stable patch of Canadian wilderness that still has mosquitoes and regret. Remote, beautiful, and just unstable enough to make you question your sanity. It’s like moving into a therapy cabin built entirely from maple syrup and passive aggression. But you’ll be safe until the squirrels unionize.

The Earth is changing. Rapidly. Violently. Elegantly, even—like a flaming ballerina pirouetting through an opera house made of matchsticks. But no worries. Just pick your favorite apocalyptic flavor, build a bunker with reclaimed kale, and enjoy the ride. After all, wherever you move, you’ll still be bringing you with you. And you’re the real disaster, aren’t you? Happy relocating!