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Have you ever woken up craving a fluffy, golden omelet, only to realize you’re completely out of eggs—but have an inexplicably large stash of beeswax lying around? No? Well, congratulations on living a sensible life. But for the rest of us, let’s roll up our sleeves, lower our expectations, and dive into the glorious, artery-defying world of Beeswax Omelets. 🐝

Step 1: Question Everything

First, ask yourself: Why do I want to make an omelet out of beeswax? Is this a survival situation? A performance art piece? Did I lose a bet with a beekeeper? Whatever your reason, write it down. You’ll need it to explain to your therapist later.

Step 2: Assemble Your Ingredients

This part is blissfully simple.
You will need:

• Beeswax
• Regret
• Possibly a fire extinguisher
• One cast-iron pan that you never liked anyway

No salt, no pepper, no eggs—just pure, unadulterated wax harvested from the hardworking behinds of tiny insects. Bon appétit!

Step 3: Prepare the Beeswax

Take your beeswax and pretend it’s cheese. Grate it, slice it, whisper apologies to your digestive system—whatever makes you feel like a chef. Beeswax doesn’t melt so much as it slowly contemplates melting, so you’ll need to heat it to roughly the temperature of the sun.

Step 4: Cook It Like You Mean It

Place your pan over medium-high heat (read: scorched earth mode) and add the beeswax. Watch as it melts into what can best be described as liquified candle sadness. It will smell vaguely of honey and poor decisions.

Using a spatula, flip the molten blob every 10 seconds, as if that will somehow make it behave like an egg. At this point, smoke may begin to rise. This is normal. Or a sign. Either way, power through.

Step 5: Plate and Serve

Scrape the now-coagulated wax mess onto a plate. Try shaping it into a smiley face. It won’t help the taste, but at least it’ll give your omelet some much-needed personality.

Serve immediately, ideally to someone you don’t like. Garnish with parsley, edible flowers, or a written apology.

Step 6: Reflect on Your Life Choices

Congratulations! You’ve now successfully created something that is neither food nor art, but a waxy monument to ambition gone horribly, horribly wrong. Your omelet tastes like crayons and remorse—but hey, it’s sustainable, right?

Final Thoughts

Making a beeswax omelet is less a recipe and more a spiritual journey—one that leads you through absurdity, failure, and the quiet realization that sometimes, it’s okay to just order takeout.

Next time, maybe just use eggs. Or at least something that wasn’t originally meant to seal letters or make lip balm.

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