Look, I’m not saying Elon Musk is a felon in the technical, put-him-in-an-orange-jumpsuit kind of way. I’m saying he’s a felon in the “why does this man behave like a sleep-deprived Reddit thread in human form?” kind of way.
So let’s light a lavender candle, put a dropper of CBD under the tongue, and vibe our way through the chaotic rap sheet of the richest man on Earth™️.
🧘♂️ Step 1: What Even Is a Felon? (Asking for a Billionaire)
A felon, legally? Someone convicted of a serious crime.
A felon, spiritually? Someone who:
- Tweets market-shaking nonsense for fun
- Union-busts while pretending to save humanity
- Names his kid like it’s a software update
Is Elon Musk legally a felon? No.
Is he high-key a criminal in the chill court of CBD justice? Oh, sweetie. Buckle up.
🛋️ Step 2: “Alleged” Crimes (Best Read While Reclining and Microdosing CBD)
1. Market Manipulation, or Just Vibes?
That time Elon tweeted “taking Tesla private at $420”—yes, 420, because lol weed—and then didn’t?
The SEC was like: “Sir.”
Elon was like: “420 blaze it.”
Fine: $20 million.
Jail time: None.
Meanwhile, you’re out here getting nervous replying to work emails while he’s tanking stock prices like it’s a hobby.
2. Union-Busting, But Make It Spacey
He’s not just innovating rockets and electric cars—he’s also innovating how not to let your employees form a union.
If you so much as whisper “collective bargaining” at a Tesla plant, expect a visit from the HR Dementor and a passive-aggressive tweet from Elon himself.
CBD dosage: extra.
3. Environmental Irony Crimes
Electric cars: cool.
Rocket launches every Tuesday: less cool.
Destroying sacred petroglyphs for a launchpad in Texas? Yeah, we’re gonna need more drops for that one.
Felony? Not officially.
Vibe crime? We are very high, and very disappointed.
👶 Step 3: He Named His Child X Æ A-12. Why.
Imagine being named like a Wi-Fi password and having to go to kindergarten with kids named Max and Lily.
That poor kid is going to have to spell their name phonetically at the DMV and spiritually every day.
Emotional felony? 100%.
CBD balm? Apply directly to the soul.
🌀 Step 4: He Bought Twitter and Turned It Into a Full-Time Psy-Op
Remember when Twitter was chaotic but sort of fun? Then Elon bought it, renamed it X (for no reason), fired most of the team, and decided verification should be available to anyone with $8 and a bad opinion.
“Free speech absolutist,” he says—then bans people who criticize him.
“It’s going to be the everything app,” he says, while advertisers quietly moonwalk out.
CBD status: administer sublingually and pray.
🌿 CBD Pairings for Elon Musk Energy
- Unhinged Rocket Launch Mint: Calms nerves after surprise Mars announcements
- Anti-Union Lavender Dream: For when you realize your CEO just called labor rights “annoying”
- Pineapple Wi-Fi Name Chill Tincture: Named after X Æ A-12 himself
- Full-Spectrum Doomscroll Detox: For anyone still on X (formerly known as peace of mind)
✨ Final Verdict
Elon Musk is not a felon in the courtroom.
But in the aromatherapy-scented realm of common sense, he’s been spiritually indicted more times than we can count.
He’s guilty of:
- Tweeting like a Reddit mod with a God complex
- Running companies like side quests
- Existing in a state of perpetual “what if we broke this on purpose?”
So, no—he’s not doing jail time. But if we had a CBD-powered justice system, he’d be sentenced to:
- 300 hours of silence
- 12 months of therapy with someone who won’t let him interrupt
- One (1) bottle of full-spectrum chill per day
Ya’know what? I’ll just come right out and say it: F-Elon!
now that you’re informed, i’m marked safe from the felon, so i’m going to go purchase some more CBD.
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